The Joshua Tree
by isis-sg1
Summary: Its the anniversary of the shooting at Rosslyn and noone believes Josh when he says he's fine, not even himself.


Well this is probably my longest piece to date so I hope you like it. It took me ages and even after I said that I wasn't going to write any more. Please leave loads of reviews because I have some other ideas for fanfic and as always I need encouragement.

Josh twisted in his bed, the sheets tightening around his chest. He couldn't breathe; he couldn't escape from the nightmare. He kicked his legs out and unconsciously pulled at the bed covers. It was no use, the sirens grew louder in his head and he felt the bullet rip through him once again. The impact pulled him from sleep and he sat up straight in bed, the only sounds in his empty apartment were the ragged breaths he forced on himself. Even a year later there was still a slight twinge if he breathed in too deeply. His eyes opened slowly and took in the slightly comforting surroundings. He wasn't at Rosslyn he was at home. A second later he was throwing the covers off him and stumbling to the bathroom. The fan began to whir as he flicked the harsh light on; its calming hum had no effect on him. He leaned heavily on the sink, using both hands to steady himself. His eyes looked up to the mirror in front to study his reflection. He wasn't surprised at his state, he knew how he looked. His eyes were rimmed with red and the ever present bags under his eyes were larger. His hair was a mess and his skin was pale and unhealthy. He splashed cold water on his face to wake himself up. He didn't want to be reminded about the nightmare he had just had, or the ones he had been having all week. Even if he tried to forget about what day it was his mind certainly couldn't and tried to remind him every night. It was the anniversary. The day he went to Rosslyn and the day he got shot. He didn't remember much after he was shot, he remembered Toby finding and then the next thing he remembered was waking up with the president over him. A shaking hand moved towards his chest and very lightly he traced the line down his chest, the scar that would never let him forget. He didn't let many people see the scar although Donna had seen it so many times in the hospital he never had to hide from her. His mind had wondered as he neared the end of the scar not hearing the key turn in the lock or the footsteps enter. He did hear the door slam shut and in surprise his head spun painfully in the direction of the door. He paused for a second hoping he had imagined it.  
"Hello?" He called cautiously.  
"Josh?" It was Donna; he could recognize that voice anywhere. He calmed instantly and walked out of the bathroom quietly, walking towards the voice.  
"What are you doing here?" His eyes glanced towards the antique clock on the mantle piece. "It's five am"  
"I knew you'd be up at this time, I thought I'd keep you company today"  
"Don't you do that normally? I mean why do you think I'm not going to work"  
"Josh, it's the-"  
"I know what day it is Donna" Josh cut her off abruptly, regretting it seconds later. "I'm sorry"  
"You don't have to apologize Josh…. Here I brought you coffee"  
"Don't"  
"Don't what"  
"Treat me any differently, I just wanna go to work, get some stuff done and then come home that's all, Lets just act like its any other day"  
"Are you sure"  
"I'm fine Donna"  
"Okay" Donna took a sip of the steaming coffee she had brought.  
"Gimme the coffee" Josh asked, holding his hand out. Donna rolled her eyes and placed the cup in his hands. "Now make me breakfast while I shower and change"  
"What am I, your slave"  
"Fine we'll get breakfast on the way" Donna heard his compromise as he walked away from her and back towards the bathroom. He seemed okay although she knew he had had a nightmare. She could see the fear in his eyes and she saw the slight tremor in his hand. As long as she kept his schedule easy and made sure no one caused too much stress she really didn't see the harm in having him at work. She would also make that clear to him when he got out the shower. She would be keeping an eye on him today even if he hated it. Five minutes later she heard the shower stop and wet footsteps towards the bedroom. It only took Josh another five minutes to get changed and before she knew it Josh was standing in front of her looking respectable in a suit and tie.  
"You ready to go?" She asked as she looked him over one more time to make sure he was sure about going to work.  
"I just need some files…" He ran over to his coffee table and picked up the mess of paper he had left there the night before.  
"You know how long it's going to take for me to reorganize all that"  
"Well I'm guessing I don't care because that's your job" Josh grabbed his keys and his wallet and herded Donna out of the door before she could moan any longer

Josh had driven him and Donna to work after convincing Donna that he was fine to drive. If he could convince annoying Republican Congressmen to agree on education and health bills then he could convince his assistant that he was perfectly capable of driving a car. The security guard had given him a strange look as they arrived, giving Josh a reason to give a strange look back. Donna just rolled her eyes again at his childish behaviour, grabbing his arm and pulling Josh down the corridor to his office. As he arrived at his office he began his morning routine. This consisted of five minutes of bugging Donna for a cup of coffee before going to get one himself, Sinking into his leather chair and making a mess on his desk by spreading out all his to do pile. He picked out the one that looked relatively interesting and spent as much time on it as he could before being bugged by Donna for another ten minutes to get to senior staff. Josh knew his way around the west wing like the back of his hand and wondered off in the direction of Leo's office in his own daydream. He entered the room and waited for Leo to look up from his work. No -one else had arrived yet which was unusual because Josh was always late to everything. Leo peered over the top of the security memo Margaret had handed him and spotted Josh waiting for him.  
"What are you doing here?" Josh looked around nervously.  
"I still work here right?"  
"That's not what I mean and you know it" Josh didn't reply. "I want you to go home" "No"  
"Josh!"  
"If I go home than all I'm going is get drunk and probably do something I'll regret, if I'm here I can get some work done and get my mind off what day it is. I'd rather be useful than drunk"  
"I can understand that, I really can but it's the anniversary Josh"  
"You don't think I know that? You don't think the reoccurring nightmares were enough of a reminder?" Leo gave Josh a good look. He looked exhausted but he knew that if he sent him home to sleep he would only end up with more nightmares. "Please Leo"  
"Take a long lunch and I want you home by 6 you hear me?  
"I promise, thanks Leo" "Yeah well don't make me regret it"  
"I won't" and before he could add to it the rest of the senior staff appeared all looking at Josh like he had frown another head. "Okay, that's the same look the security guard gave me this morning and I don't like it so can you get over me being here today and actually start the meeting" Sam, CJ and Toby had the grace to look away slightly embarrassed at the way they had acted. "Thank you" He added before letting Leo give out orders.

As the meeting finished Josh tried to get out the door as quickly as possible. He knew that if he stuck around he would be bombarded with questions. He noticed quickly that CJ and Toby had the decency to leave him alone, for the time being at least. Sam however wouldn't stop following him. He had that I'm worrying about you look on his face. They reached Josh's office so Sam stepped in the doorway blocking the entrance.  
"Sam, please I have a lot of work to do"  
"Are you okay?"  
"Why wouldn't I be?"  
"Don't avoid this Josh"  
"I'm fine Sam"  
"Are you sure?"  
"Yes"  
"Cos you know I'm here if you want to talk"  
"Don't wait by the phone"  
"I mean it Josh"  
"I know you do and I'm grateful that you care but I'm fine, I have Donna here if I need anything and I have a lot of work to do, I'm pretty sure you do too, so let me into my office" Sam gave him another concerned look. "I'll set Donna on you" That always works.  
"Okay, okay I'm gone" Sam answered almost running back to his office. Josh sighed, finally some peace, for some reason everything seemed just a bit louder today.

Two hours later and Josh had managed to make a significant dent in the mile high pile of work scattered on his desk. No-one had tried to bother him, there had been no emergencies warranting long meetings in the Oval Office and he didn't have his first meeting for another hour, which was rare. He was about to reach for the next folder when he heard something outside his office. One of the many people working for him in his bullpen had put on a CD, very loudly. He closed his eyes, willing himself to concentrate but the music seemed to get louder in his head, finally he snapped and pulled his door open, stepping out into the chaos.  
"Whoever's that is turn it off!" No-one answered, everyone seemed too involved in the music. "Shut that damn thing off!" He shouted a bit louder. People started to stop what they were doing and stared at him but he didn't care, he was the boss. Donna also noticed quickly, jumping up from her seat the desk opposite, turning the music off for him. The room fell into silence. "Thank you" Josh added quietly, retreating to his office. "Hey guys, no more music today okay?" Donna asked her co-workers. Josh had confided in her about his reaction to music. She knew that it hadn't bothered him in a while but she also knew that today could be the day the reaction rears its ugly head. She knocked on his door and walked in without invitation.  
"Josh are you-" He cut her off.  
"I'm fine"  
'Okay….don't forget your meeting with Congressman Wood in an hour" Josh nodded and turned back to his work. Donna realised quickly that today wasn't going to be easy for anyone. She headed back to her desk and dialled the number she had memorised for times just like this. She listened as the phone rang and the reacted as a man's voice answered.  
"Dr Keyworth?"  
"Yes?"  
"Hi, this is Donna Moss, Josh Lyman's assistant"  
"I thought I'd get a phone call from you today, how is he?"  
"He's….well he's in denial and he's already shouted at everyone for putting a CD on" "Ah"  
"I was just…can you just stay by your phone just in case"  
"I can do that"  
"Thank you Doctor, is there anything I can do for him today?"  
"Just give him some space, but don't stay too far away, he might need you" With that Donna thanked him again and hung up.

Another couple of hours later Donna checked her watch before interrupting the meeting in Josh's office. Some senator wanted more money for forests and Josh had spent the last hour trying to tell the man that they need the money for other things like healthcare. "I'm sorry Senator, Josh you have you lunch meeting now" Josh looked at her strangely; he knew that he didn't have any meetings over lunch.  
"Huh?"  
"You that thing that Leo organised for you" Suddenly Josh remembered.  
"Oh yeah, I'm sorry Senator maybe we can reschedule this for another time"  
"Would it make a difference?" The man asked.  
"I'm sorry?"  
"Well, it seems that you've already made up your mind that you're not going to give me the money"  
"Senator as I've told you a thousand times we need that money, trees aren't a priority right now unless they're sprouting money"  
"I see I've wasted an hour then" "Seems like you have" The man barged past Donna before slamming the door behind him" Josh winced at the loud noise, calming himself down and counting to ten before anything bad could happen.  
"Josh?"  
"I'm fine"  
"You going to lunch then?"  
"Yeah"  
"Leo told me not to let you back in your office for an hour and a half"  
"Okay"  
"Josh?"  
"Will you just leave it?" Josh snapped before striding out the room using the side door. He didn't feel like leaving the west wing for lunch so settled for the dining hall. He grabbed an apple from the fruit basket and poured himself a large black coffee. Finding an empty table he sat down with the newspaper, enjoying the peace and quiet.  
"Donna's gonna have your head if she finds out that's all your eating for lunch" He knew that voice.  
"Well she's not here it she" Josh didn't look up from the paper. Hoping she'd go away to another table. Out of the corner of his eyes he saw her walk away but groaned when she returned with to plates. One for her and one for him. "CJ!"  
"Hey, no arguments, I'm going to sit here and watch you eat every crumb, I am not going to be blamed when you collapse from malnutrition because I didn't do anything about you eating habits" CJ gave him the patented don't mess with me, I'm completely serious look and seconds later Josh tucked into the sandwich, although grumbling after every bite. "So…' CJ began. She didn't know how to approach the subject. Sam had come to her earlier worried about Josh. Apparently Josh had brushed him off and she had also heard a rumour about Josh shouting down the bullpen this morning.  
"What do you want CJ" Josh sighed, someone else was about to stick their nose where it didn't belong and try to help.  
"Sam came to see me and I've heard some stuff I was just"  
"Checking that I was okay?" CJ nodded. "Well apart from the fact that everyone won't stop staring at me, worrying about me, asking me if I'm okay every goddamn five minutes and that I can't get any work done because I'm banned from my office I'm fine really"  
"You know you can say it, it won't make you look weak if you admit you're not alright" "How many times do I have to tell you people that I'm fine!" Josh stood up. "Hey people listen up!" He shouted , catching the attention of everyone in the room. "All of you know what day it is today, and a lot of you were at Rosslyn and hey in 8 hours we were coming out of the town hall. Now I want you all to take those worried look of your faces and stop staring at me. Before you bother me I want you to remember this, I am fine! Can we please just get on with our work and act like this is any other day? Thank you!" Josh sat back down and received a glare from CJ.  
"I was only trying to help, and you said it yourself, you weren't the only one at Rosslyn so stop acting like it" CJ left her sandwich and stormed out the room. She hadn't meant to have a go at Josh but she couldn't help it. Josh sighed, that was another person he had pissed off today. He hadn't meant to act like an idiot but everything seemed to be getting at him today. He knew why but he pushed that thought to the back of his head. Now CJ was gone he pushed his plate away and went back to his apple and coffee.

"Donna?" CJ called as she made her way make up stairs to the operations bullpen. Donna looked up at the voice and answered.  
"Yeah?" CJ walked up to Donna and everything was said in a look.  
"What has he done?" Donna asked, CJ knew who she was talking about. Donna now felt guilty for leaving Josh on his own for lunch, he was normally better behaved when she was around in fear of getting shouted at by her.  
"He stood up and told the whole dinning room that he was fine and to stop staring at him, I think people are even more worried about him now?"  
"You talking about Josh?" Donna and CJ hadn't noticed Toby and Sam walk up to them.  
"He says he's fine but he's obviously not" Sam added. They didn't like talking about Josh behind his back but it was an emergency. If they couldn't find a way for him to tell them how he was really feeling he could explode just like he had at Christmas.  
"I have Stanley waiting by the phone, but Josh won't ring him himself, he would quit his job before he did that." Donna told the group.  
"Have you thought that maybe he is okay but he has so much work to do that he's a little bit pissed that everyone keeps bothering him?" Toby suggested.  
"Are you crazy? The signs of a PTSD attack are all there in front of our faces, if we ignore it, it could do more damage than last time!" Donna practically screamed at Toby "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have" She added a second later, regretting her words.  
"It's okay, you're worried about him"  
"Hey, Toby , maybe you can talk to him" Sam recommended.  
"It could work, we've all tried and he won't be expecting it from you" CJ added.  
"What am I supposed to say to him that he hasn't already heard today?" Toby questioned. He didn't like this idea. He didn't like have touchy feely conversations and anything too blunt would obviously get Josh riled up quickly.  
"You write speeches for the President for a living, I think you could come up with something to say. He trusts you plus you were the one that found him that night, if you hadn't found him…" CJ couldn't finish the sentence but everyone was thinking the same thing. He could have died that night.  
"We've run out of options" Sam spoke quietly, still reflecting on the thought that if things had gone differently there would be someone else at Josh's desk and they would have all lost a friend.  
"Okay then" Toby nodded to the group. They all decided to give Josh some time to himself before Toby talked to him. That way he could calm down from lunch first. They had also decided to tell Leo about everything knowing that he wanted to be informed about Josh's behaviour.  
"Okay, I'll go see Leo now, That way if Toby's chat with Josh doesn't work we still have Leo to fall back on" CJ said goodbye and walked off in the direction of the chief of staff's large office. CJ knocked hard on the wooden before and entered without invitation. Quietly she closed the door behind her and walked up to the desk. Leo was in the middle of a phone call but motioned for her to sit down. Leo finished the call only moments later and greeted CJ.  
"What can I do for you?" Leo asked.  
"It's Josh" CJ began.  
"Is he okay? Did he take a long lunch like I told him to?"  
"Well he took the long lunch but none of us know whether it will have done any good or not?"  
"What are you talk about?" Leo started to feel concerned, Already doubting whether he should have let Josh stay at work today.  
"He's been shouting at his staff, and he keeps denying something's wrong when there obviously is, so far me, Sam and Donna have tried to talk to him but he keeps shutting us out"  
"Maybe I should talk to him"  
"Well we're trying Toby first, but if all else fails then you can try"  
"Maybe I should get the President to order him to talk"  
"Well I don't think he would appreciate that very much"  
"No, you're right, call with an update" CJ nodded before walking out through the other door. She was going to head to Toby's office so they can talk more about what to say to Josh. For the second time in 5 minutes she knocked on a door and again she entered without invitation, something everyone was used to by now.  
"Tobus" She greeted using the name she called him that he hated.  
"Yeah" He answered, looking up from his laptop.  
"You wanna go over what you're going to say to Josh?"  
"No" His eyes went back to his work .  
"Toby.."  
"I'm pretty sure I can manage, you know, a conversation"  
"Are you sure?"  
"Look at my face CJ" She knew that look, everyone knew that look. It was his I know what I'm doing, now do what I say and leave me alone look that everyone in the west wing had been a victim of at point time or another.

Exactly an hour and a half after Josh was banned from his office he returned. He looked calmer and more relaxed after his forced lunch and Donna silently thanked Leo for enforcing it. Josh made his way to Donna's desk and placed a chocolate chip muffin on her desk.  
"I'm sorry for snapping at you" He spoke softly and she knew he meant it. She took the muffin and began to eat it.  
"you're forgiven" Donna replied.  
"Who do I have next?"  
"You have half an hour before a meeting with Toby in your office, then a budget meeting with Ed and Larry in the Roosevelt room." Josh nodded and walked off into his office. That half an hour gave him the chance to get some of the work done he should have done at lunch, and if no one interrupted him he might actually make a dent in the pile of work. Josh picked up the blue folder on the top of the pile that Donna had obviously tidied up over lunch. It was the gun legislation. It was the last thing Josh needed right now. Leo had tried to keep him out of as many meetings as possible but he couldn't miss them all and he still had memos and briefing files put on his desk everyday. He couldn't just ignore it, now he was hoping for an interruption so he wouldn't have to deal with it. A loud knock at the door startled, forcing his head up towards the door.  
"Yeah?" It was Toby who opened the door and made himself comfortable in one of Josh's visitor chairs. Josh put his pen down and sat further back in his chair.  
"What's this meeting about?" Josh queried, he knew that the meeting was a new addition to todays schedule but he had forgotton to ask Donna what it was about.  
"I thought we could, uh, talk" Toby scratched his bald head, now regetting that he hadn't thought about what he was going to say before the "meeting"  
"Is this about what I think it is about?" Josh looked at him carefully, hoping it wasn't. Toby didn't reply. "CJ and Donna sent you?" Toby nodded quietly. "Well? You going to ask how I am or try and offer an ear?"  
"How about, you sit and listen while I talk?" Toby didn't let Josh reply "None of us belive that your fine, and you can't try and deny it and lie to us till you're blue in the face but we'll all know different. I found you on those steps and I saw that look in your eyes like you knew you were going to die. CJ and Sam and Donna and Leo they've all seen you looking so weak and lifeless all sacred that you weren't going to make it through the next 24 hours. The people who care about you the most. None of us are fine we have nightmares and sometimes all we wanna do is drink enough to forget. Now you can talk to me now or you can talk to any one of you friends later but you will be talking to one of us today." Toby let in a deep breath. Josh said nothing, stunned by the words that no-one had dared to say to him before now.  
"I have to go, I have another meeting to get to" Josh answered quietly. He grabbed a couple of files of his desk and made a quick exit. Toby sighed, at least he hadn't been shouted at.  
"How did it go?" Donna asked, her head poking round the door.  
"How do you think it went?" Toby motioned to Josh's empty chair.  
"I'm scared" Donna began, walking further into the room so she could look Toby in the eyes. "I'm scared he's gonna have a panic attack when none of us are around. I don't him to be alone but he's pushing everyone away."  
"I know"  
"Then what do we do?"  
"Give him what he wants" Toby stood up and left the room, leaving Donna to pick up the mess left on Josh's desk.

"Josh……Josh!"  
"Huh?" Josh blink, waking himself up from his reverie.  
"What do you think about the plan?" Larry asked. Josh didn't want to admit that he hadn't heard half of what he and Ed had said.  
"It's uh, great"  
"Are you okay Josh, you want me to get someone….Donna?"  
"No I'm fine really, just go over everything one more time" Ed and Larry began from the beginning but Josh had already switched off, his mind still reeling from what Toby had said, What CJ had told him and what his mind was telling him. _"you weren't the only one at Rosslyn so stop acting like it"_ He remembered when he'd woken up long enough for Donna to tell him that the President had been shot and although he'd already seen that the President was okay we wanted to see him again, he wanted to know everything. Part of him felt guilty although he didn't know why. _"I saw that look in your eyes like you knew you were going to die"_ Josh didn't remember much about that night. He remembered walking out of the building and he remembered waking up in the hospital but what he had never told anyone is that he remembered Toby finding him. He remembered the look in Toby's eyes that must have mirrored his own. He remembered feeling hope as Toby screamed for paramedics. Josh closed his eyes. He didn't care about the budget or Ed and Larry's new plan. He just wanted this day to end. 6 hours, his mind told him. 6 hours. It was 9 in the evening when they had walked out of the town hall and his mind wouldn't stop counting down the minutes.  
"Josh?" Larry called again.  
"Can we do this another time, I have a lot on my mind today. The two men nodded, they knew exactly what was on his mind today as did everyone else who worked in the White House. Josh nodded at the pair before picking up his stuff and leaving. He slowly made his way back to his office making sure Donna knew that he didn't want to be disturbed for a couple of hours. She understood, she always had. He sunk down into his leather chair and closed his eyes, wishing for peaceful sleep to take him.

Although asleep he felt the familiar feeling. The flashing lights blinding him, the sirens deafening him. The tight phantom pain in his chest. His nightmare overtook him. He called out and he twisted in the uncomfortable position he was sleeping in. He knew everything happened so fast but in his mind everything lasted for hours. He sat dying for hours and no-one came. In his nightmares no-one ever found him, no-one bothered to look. He moaned again as he felt the events repeat themselves.  
"Josh?" Donna called, she had heard him call out and had ran into the office. What she saw broke her heart. He was asleep in his chair but it was obvious that he was in the middle of a nightmare. His eyes were scrunched shut and his hands kept a tight grip on the chair, a tear ran down his cheek and in that moment Donna would have done anything to stop him from hurting. She moved closer to him and began to stroke his hair back. Speaking soothing words into his ear to calm him down. Ten minutes later his eyes cracked open and were greeted by the gut wrenching look that had yet to leave Donna's face.  
"Donna" He whispered, lifting his hand up to cup her cheek. His eyes held hers for a long moment, both never wanting it to end. It was the closet they had been in a while. They had simultaneously realised something was up between them after Rosslyn but they had avoided the subject since, hoping it would go away. It was obvious from the looks they were giving each other that it hadn't. Donna blinked.  
"I uh, I should get back to work" She pulled herself away from his comforting hand and stood up. Josh swallowed and ran his hand through his hair, trying to get his composure back before speaking.  
"What time is it?"  
"eight thirty" She answered without even bothering to look at a clock. Josh sat up straight.  
"I had a meeting-" Josh began to panic, he hated missing meetings.  
"Don't worry, I figured you were asleep in your office so I cleared the afternoon for you, no more meetings tonight, you might as well go home"  
"I have…stuff and things to do" he answered, pointing to the pile on his desk.  
"That pile will be there in the morning"  
"So will the new pile of stuff for that day and then I have to stay longer tomorrow to catch up"  
"Okay"  
"You going home now?"  
"I go home when you do, I thought I'd go down to the dining room for something, you wanna come?"  
"Nah"  
"Josh!"  
"I'll get something later, I promise" Donna smiled, he seemed like he was in a better mood. He hadn't complained to her once yet about her mothering him. He replied with a small smile, his first today, making Donna feel a lot better about leaving him alone for an hour. She gave him the few messages he had received while he was asleep before disappearing down the corridor.

Josh took a couple of deep breaths, wincing again at the slight twinge in his chest. He needed something to distract himself from thoughts of Donna, without looking he felt his desk for the remote and flicked his television on. It was always left on C-Span so he never had to change the channel. He was surprised the tv was off but guessed that Donna had turned it off earlier. They both knew that security footage of Rosslyn would be showing as well as other reminders about the day. He also knew there were photos of him sometime after the surgery. Some paper had paid a lot of money to a nurse for them. He turned the volume up hoping they would have changed the subject by now. They obviously hadn't. He heard his name and then a repeat of what had happened. He had never seen the footage, Donna had never let him but now he couldn't seem to turn it off. Like when you see a car accident and can't help but stare. The footage of the incident showed everyone running, the fear evident on their faces. The clip cut to another camera showing a different view. He watched secret service crowd round the President, stuffing him into a limo. He saw another agent holding Leo to the floor. Although he couldn't hear the gun shots on the tv they were always in his mind he heard the shot as police lights burst above Sam and CJ's heads. He heard shots as they hit the ground, hit the President, and hit him. That last one was always louder than the rest. Soon Josh couldn't tell the difference between a nightmare and real life, his breath quickening and the volume of the sirens increased, giving him a headache. He pulled himself clumsily from his chair and stumbled to his door, swinging it open, the force slamming it into the wall. The clash forced his hand to his chest as he heard the gunshot. He had to get away from it all. He moved further into the bullpen glad that it was empty. Looking up he saw the clock on the wall. It was 9:00. He cried out in the silence but no-one was near to help. The TV's in the bullpen were all on the same channel and were all on loud. The footage being shown again and even though he closed his eyes he could still see everything unravelling in his head. Everywhere he went there were TV's above his head taunting him. He crossed the empty hallway into the communications bullpen. Where was everyone, His eyes blurred as scanned the room for help. Toby and Sam weren't in their offices and no-one was working away at their desk. The volume on the TV's above him had also been turned up. Tears began to roll down his cheek as he realised there was no escape. His shaking hand went towards the nearest desk to hold him up, missing the desk he fell to the ground bringing a chair down with him.

Abby Bartlet was striding confidently down the corridor towards Josh's office. She'd heard a lot of stories about him today, the gossip working overtime as everyone questioned his behaviour. It was her turn to check to see if he was okay. There was no way he could shout at the first lady. She walked towards the communication bullpen when she heard a loud crash. He heard turned in the direction of the noise and saw a familiar head behind a desk. Signalling for her agent to follow she rushed into the room, finding Josh in a state on the floor. She could tell he was having a major attack and wasn't fully aware of what was going on. He wide eyes flicked up to the TV's above their heads, wincing at the footage shown.  
"Amy, turn the TV's of" She told her agent as she knelt down next to Josh. She loosened his tie and top button hoping it would help him breathe. "Josh?" She spoke clearly calmly. "Can you hear me?…If you can I want you to nod for me can you do that?" Josh didn't reply. Abbey stroked his hair back just as Donna had earlier during his nightmare. "You're safe Josh, you hear me Josh?" Again he didn't reply, he sat with his eyes staring into the distant, shaking his head slightly. "Amy, get Donna Moss up here immediately" The agent spoke into her collar, relaying the order for someone to find Donna. Abbey tried everything she could but Josh wasn't listening. Only five minutes later Donna ran into the room.  
"Oh God Josh!" She fell to his side. "How long has he been like this?" She asked Abbey. Obviously distressed at the state of her boss.  
"Five minutes, maybe longer, It's no use, I can't get a reaction out of him"  
"Let me try" Abbey nodded and moved away to give Donna some privacy. "Josh.. I'm so sorry for leaving you. I should have stayed after your nightmare. I should have pushed you to talk to me. Now look at you. Now I spent day at your bedside forcing you to eat nasty hospital food and I was beside you when you were so frustrated because you were too weak to walk. I spent hours soothing your nightmares and just being with you so you weren't alone. I did not go through all of that so you could go all nutty on me so snap out of it!" She shouted at the end, wanting him to hear everything she said. Only a second later he was blinking before he broke down, crying into Donna's shoulder.  
"I'm sorry" Josh whispered as he pulled himself together.  
"You don't have to be sorry today Josh" Donna whispered back.  
"I'm sorry to interrupt but we should move this somewhere a bit more private, how about we take Josh to the residence where I can sedate him for the night and everyone can have a good tomorrow when he's feeling better" Abbey spoke, Josh was like a son to her and it upset her to see him so broken. Anything she could so to make him better she would do. Donna nodded and began to help Josh off the ground. Abbey and Amy also helped and they began to lead him through the few corridors to the residence. Luckily the didn't bump into anyone and a couple of minutes later Josh sat curled up on a sofa in front of warm fire. Donna had wanted to stay but he had told to go get some rest, Although unwilling she dutifully left. Josh had been left alone for a while now and wondered where everyone had gone. Although he was exhausted he forced himself to stay awake, not wanting more nightmares.

Abbey had called together his friends, knowing they would want to know what happened. Leo, Toby, CJ and Sam stood in front of her. She noticed the guilty looks that all fell on their faces.  
"Is he okay?" CJ asked, always the caring one.  
'He will be, although it might not look like it, his attack was actually a good thing"  
"How so?"  
"If he's held it all in any longer it could have been much worse"  
"So what happens now?"  
"I'm going to stay with him for a while, maybe get him to talk, and if he doesn't want that I'll get him to take some sleeping pills and escort him to a bedroom to get a good night sleep. We can call his therapist and get him over here tomorrow morning." Everyone nodded. She smiled as they stood waiting even though It could be a while be he wanted to show his face. "You know it's not your fault" She added before walking back into the living room where Josh was. 'You all tried to talk to him and it was up to him to do the rest. Go get some sleep and come back here in the morning so that you can all be here for Josh" Slowly the group dispersed. Abbey opened the wooden door and entered the warm room. "Hey" She warned him of her presence, knowing he didn't want anymore surprises today. His head moved round towards her as she spoke, greeting her with a small smile. "Feeling better?"  
"A bit, I…" Josh didn't know what to say. He watched patiently as she walked closer towards him and sat in the old armchair opposite him. "I thought I was fine.."  
"Did you?"  
"I… I don't know, I thought if kept telling myself that then I would be"  
"It doesn't work like that" "I was doing so well with my therapist, we even cut down on appointments because he believed I was getting better" Abbey nodded. "I guess I'm never going to get over…it"  
"Why do you say that?"  
"I can't stop thinking that I'm never going to get a good nights sleep, I'm gonna hear music or loud bangs and not be able to breathe, or survive the anniversary without freaking out and you wanna know why?"  
"Why?"  
"Because I still up to wake up everyday with a scar down my chest and I'll still have to take 10 different pills everyday to keep me alive, There's always going to be footage showing on TV and people at looking at me like I'm about to break. Its all just a constant reminder that I was shot and nearly died."  
"Okay, you want to know what I think now?"  
"What?" "I think the scar and the pills and whatever else shouldn't be a reminder that you nearly died, but that survived. You have to stop living in the past, you spend each day fighting some battle to get someone elected or to pass a bill, just think of this as another battle to win, strategise, you're strong enough to beat this"  
"How do you always know the right think to say?" Abbey smirked at his comment, she'd been asked that a lot since her husband first became president.  
"Comes with the first lady position, now come on, lets find you a bedroom"  
"I think I should just head home" Josh never liked to impose on other people, he'd learnt from an early age to be independent and to look out for himself.  
"Nonsense, I won't have you going home to an empty apartment, not tonight, I want you here where I can keep an eye on you" There was no way Josh could say no to her now. He nodded, conceding defeat before letting Abby guide him to a bedroom. She helped him towards the bed and left for a second, coming back with a glass of water in one hand and two white pills in the other.  
"Here take these" She offered them to him.  
"what are they?" Josh just looked at them suspiciously  
"Just something to help you sleep, lord knows you need the sleep, you look terrible"  
"yes mom!" "I'm insulted that you think me old enough to be your mother Joshua" Abbey joked, knowing full well she was old enough.  
"Older sister then" Josh took the pills from Abbey and swallowed them down quickly with a couple of gulps of water.  
"That's better" Abbey smiled widely, glad that he was already feeling better for lighter conversation. She took the half empty glass from Josh and put it on the bedside table.  
"I wanna thank you"  
"For what?"  
"Everything, I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't spotted me" "Well I guess some other person around here who cares about you would have done exactly the same thing"  
"And I'm sorry, tell my friends I'm sorry for not listening to them"  
"No more thinking about it, you'll only end up thinking about it all night, you won't get a wink of sleep, and then you won't be at you best tomorrow and then my husband won't be happy and that's never a good thing. He needs you Josh, they all do so stop ignoring their offers to help and let them help!"  
"I know"  
"Good, now take those pills….there you go to sleep now, I'll have someone bring you breakfast in the morning and then you are going to talk to your therapist, and your friends"  
"Okay" Josh's eyes began to droop, already feeling the effects of the pills.  
"You sound sleepy"  
"Uh huh" Josh didn't have enough energy to answer her properly, his eyes now too heavy to keep open.  
"Well then this is where I say good night"  
"………………" Abbey received no reply, telling her he was fast asleep.  
"Good night Joshua" Abbey pushed his hair back and leant down to kiss his forehead gently.  
"Goodnight" Josh whispered faintly. He turned over on to his side and hugged the pillow. Abbey switched the lamp off and moved through the darkness. She turned back round towards the bed, taking the few peaceful minutes to study the man who had been through so much yet was still fighting his way through everything.  
"Sweet dreams" She spoke softly to the sleeping figure, quietly closing the door behind her.

The End


End file.
